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My MSTing--Shadow Theatre 13 "Jeff the Killer"

  • Ahem. I am starting this one with an explanation of a once-flourishing form that appears to be vanishing--the MSTing. (Or MiSTing. Because, internet neologism, folks.) A story--or weird internet posting, or bit of spam--is treated as if it were on a some version of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, being heckled by a small group of hosts--sometimes the original MST3K hosts, other times an author-created group--traditionally done in a rough script format. Usually, though not always, a few simple sketches are included to serve as something of a framework. After reading Jeff the Killer in all its... glory, I realized here was a story just aching for such a treatment. And so, I created--or more exactly patched together from various ideas--Shadow Theatre 13. Hopefully, it proves amusing. If it does, well, I might keep at this. If it doesn't, well, I can give this up instead of sinking a lot of time into it.

    And so, with that out of the way... Shadow Theatre 13--the first part of Jeff the Killer. I hope you all enjoy it, and if you don't tell me what needs to be improved.

    SHADOW THEATRE 13--JEFF THE KILLER

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: There exists a land of living nightmares... A realm of pure fear where the collected dread of humanity, born of stories whispered and spread, comes to rest... the Shadowsphere. I am called Mr. Widemouth, a member of Shadow Theatre 13. My associates--Bloody Mary, one of the oldest dwellers in the Shadowsphere, and the Slenderman, archetypical nightmare of the modern age. Our job--mock bad stories that have wound up in the Shadowsphere, so that the integrity of world of fear stays in tact. (beat) Look, I don't insult YOUR profession. At least not to your face...

    (A gust of wind dislodges a group of bats from a tree, where they spell out the words 'SHADOW THEATRE 13'.)

    FADE IN ON:

    (Mr. Widemouth and Slenderman are seated beneath a dead tree which stands before a crumbling old mansion, a sign hanging before the door that says 'Shadow Theatre 13'. A picturesque fog hovers over the scene.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Okay, your choices are--female Freddy... or female Jason.

    SLENDERMAN: You make that sound like I have multiple options. Have you seen actual Freddy and actual Jason? (Shudders) They'd both be hideous. It's like asking me to choose between the plague and smallpox.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Well, those are your choices. Deal with it.

    SLENDERMAN: Female Jason. She's got a mask. So... I could just... concentrate on the... you know, the mask, instead of having to look at the horrific trauma case that is her face beneath it...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: For a guy who doesn't even have a face you're pretty specific about them in others, you know that?

    SLENDERMAN: That's like saying a man without hands shouldn't care if his date's are like ham hocks. Trust me, he'll care. Hell, considering he doesn't have them, he'll care very much...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Right, right, right. Your turn.

    SLENDERMAN: Female Gizmo or...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, come ON! Is this all I rank with you? Puppets and talking animals? Last time it was Female Scooby-Doo, or Female Scrappy-Doo!

    SLENDERMAN: I'm still surprised you went with Female Scooby-Doo!

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Female Scrappy-Doo would be prepubescent! I mean--how sick do you think I am?

    SLENDERMAN: You don't want an answer to that, Widemouth. You really don't.

    (Bloody Mary enters behind the pair.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Well, all I'm saying is that just once, I'd like the selection of romantic partners to not be something out of some sort of demented Furry handb...

    BLOODY MARY: Hey, guys. You doing the creepy gender-swapped date game again?

    (Mr. Widemouth wheels around.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: What? Of course no...

    SLENDERMAN: Yep.

    (Mr. Widemouth glares at Slenderman then sighs.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: I suppose my denial was rather weak... In our admittedly poor defense--it passes the time.

    (Bloody Mary pulls out an envelope.)

    BLOODY MARY: Well, got something else to pass the time. The new fic's come. The original that started the deluge--Jeff the Killer.

    (Mr. Widemouth and Slenderman both freeze.)

    SLENDERMAN: We're... doing Jeff the Killer?

    BLOODY MARY: (nods) That is what I just said.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: But...he's horribly popular! With a host of fanboys, and fangirls, and spinoffs...

    BLOODY MARY: Which is why we're doing the story.

    (Slenderman and Mr. Widemouth both glance at each other, than nod.)

    SLENDERMAN: Okay... but you're dealing with the inevitable hate mail. And trust me--it will be awful.

    BLOODY MARY: Hey, you're looking at the girl who sat through Varney the Vampyre, AND Wagner the Wehr-Wolf, way back when. I can handle awful. (Leads the pair towards the theatre.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Right, right... lead on, Macduff...

    SLENDERMAN: It's 'lay on, Macduff', actually...

    (The trio disappear into the theater. We follow through a twisty shadowy pathway, that corkscrews until we reach... the Reading Room. The trio take their seats...)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Look, Slendy, I appreciate your accurate knowledge of the Bard of Avon as much as the next guy, but all I'm saying is that there is a time and a place...

    BLOODY MARY: Fic's starting, guys...

    Jeff the Killer
    

    BLOODY MARY: Yeah... I'm... not feeling the terror guys. I mean--"Jeff the Killer". It starts bland, and it ends nondescript. It's a guy named Jeff. And he's a killer. That's it.

    SLENDERMAN: Hey--you're missing some fascinating details. Like... Umm... Right... I'm sure I can come up with something...

     Excerpt from a local Newspaper: 
     
     OMINOUS UNKNOWN
     KILLER IS STILL
     AT LARGE. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Local Newspaper Editor Gets New Thesaurus!

    After weeks of unexplained murders, the ominous unknown killer is 
    still on the rise. 
    

    (Mr. Widemouth blinks.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Or... maybe he doesn't.

    (Mary scratches her head.)

    BLOODY MARY: Wait... wait... the "killer is still on the rise"? What does that even mean?

    SLENDERMAN: Maybe... maybe he has rocket boots?

    After little evidence has been found, a young boy states 
    that he survived one of the killer's attacks and bravely 
    tells his story. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Little evidence. Except... you know, a freaking eyewitness...

    "I had a bad dream and I woke up in the middle of the night," 
    says the boy, 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "It involved being chased around the Eiffel tower by a man with a very large fish..."

    BLOODY MARY: So... no actual background ABOUT the killer, just straight to the eyewitness, without any real attempt to create context whatsoever?

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Hey, they said he was 'ominous' and 'unknown'. What more do you want from them?

    BLOODY MARY: Reporting, maybe?

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: That's just crazy talk.

    "I saw that for some reason the window was open, even though 
    I remember it being closed before I went to bed. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Because that's the sort of detail you remember. In the middle of the night. When you've just woken up.

    I got up and shut it once more. Afterwards, I simply crawled 
    under my covers and tried to get back to sleep. That's when I 
    had a strange feeling, 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "A strange tingling sensation in a certain area... Little did I know I was becoming a man..."

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Slendy, that was filthy. (beat) I love it.

    like someone was watching me. I looked up, and nearly jumped 
    out of my bed. There, in the little ray of light, 
    illuminating from between my curtains, 
    

    BLOODY MARY: That's some vocabulary for a little kid.

    SLENDERMAN: Yeah. A shame he's using the words--well, wrong.

    were a pair of two eyes. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Could have been worse, kid--could have been a pair of three eyes!

    BLOODY MARY: No it couldn't, Widemouth. We both know that.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Leave me to my dreams, woman!

    These weren't regular eyes; they were dark, ominous eyes. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Proving they belonged to the ominous, unknown killer!

    BLOODY MARY: Things are starting to make sense!

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, they aren't, guys.

    (Slenderman and Bloody Mary sigh.)

    BLOODY MARY: You're right.

    SLENDERMAN: We're just desperately seeking meaning in a cruel world.

    They were bordered in black 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: And so our terrifying serial killer--wears eye shadow.

    SLENDERMAN: It's Prince!

    and... just plain out terrified me. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Boy, you're a real wimp, kid.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Ahhh! Eyes! He has eyes! AHHH!"

    That's when I saw his mouth. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "He had it in a case by his side, which is why I didn't see it initially when I looked at his face."

    A long, horrendous smile that made every hair on my body stand up. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Every hair. He said it, folks. Not me. Every hair. (spreads hands and tentacles.) I don't have to do ANYTHING with this. Once again--every hair.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Slendy, Mary--we better buckle in. It's going to be bumpy ride.

    The figure stood there, watching me. Finally, after what 
    seemed like forever, he said it. A simple phrase, but said 
    in a way only a mad man could speak. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "Something I think of constantly, as I rush around in my jam-jams, watching Spongebob."

    SLENDERMAN: This kid has got serious issues.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh,, yeah. I foresee a life filled with pantsings...

    "He said, 'Go To Sleep.' 
    

    (The trio are silent for a moment, and then burst out into laughter.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: That is our villain's... catchphrase?

    SLENDERMAN: (spreading his arms operatically) Go... to... SLEEEEEEEEEEP!

    BLOODY MARY: Oh, we are going to have fun with that one...

    I let out a scream, that's what sent him at me. He pulled up 
    a knife; aiming at my heart. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: No! No! Go for the gut! The gut, you idiot! No bone to worry about! Only amateurs go for the heart!

    BLOODY MARY: "Pulled... up a knife?"

    SLENDERMAN: Technically, it is correct. Very technically.

    He jumped on top of my bed. I fought him back; I 
    kicked, I punched, I rolled around, trying to knock 
    him off me. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: The disturbing subtext... continues.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: I think our unknown author has to tell someone about his mother.

    That's when my dad busted in. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "Son, what did I say 'bout lettin' strange men into this here domicile..."

    (Slenderman and Mr. Widemouth stare at her.)

    SLENDERMAN: What was that?

    BLOODY MARY: (coughs) I was... trying my... Southern patriarch impression...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH In the future--don't.

    The man threw the knife, it went into my dad's shoulder. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Apparently, the ominous, unknown killer studied with the ninja. Because that is... much harder than it sounds.

    The man probably would've finished him off, if one of 
    the neighbors hadn't alerted the police. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Uh... huh.... You know I am finding the entire 'ominous, unknown killer' thing... harder and harder to swallow. Since he is apparently incapable of subduing a child and escaping detection as he does so.

    "They drove into the parking lot, and ran towards the door. 
    

    (Group considers this.)

    BLOODY MARY: Yeah... I cannot make a mental map of this. Is it... some sort of gated community set up, or... what?

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: There's... a parking lot... a door to the house immediately accessible from the parking lot...

    SLENDERMAN: Or the apartment--he hasn't made it clear which it is...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Right... right... Anyway, parking lot--door--and a large window that is accessible from ground level...

    The man turned and ran down the hallway. I heard a smash, 
    like glass breaking. As I came out of my room, I saw the 
    window that was pointing towards the back of my house was 
    broken. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Thus demonstrating that my sense of hearing is excellent!"

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: ...Two. TWO large windows at ground level... Also--now we know it's a house....

    I looked out it to see him vanish into the distance. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: In a puff of smoke and a glimmer of moonbeam.

    (Mr. Widemouth begins to fidget frantically.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: And apparently some sort of cover that would let a man vanish very shortly after jumping out of that second window...

    BLOODY MARY: So... the police didn't try to... surround the building? Just... tossing it out there.

    I can tell you one thing, I will never forget that face. 
    Those cold, evil eyes, and that psychotic smile. They 
    will never leave my head." 
    

    BLOODY MARY: You're a little kid. Trust me, you'll forget a lot more important things!

    Police are still on the look for this man. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: I would hope so.

    BLOODY MARY: "The... look"...?

    If you see anyone that fits the description in this story, 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: What... description? We know he's got crazy evil eyes and a crazy evil smile, and that's it! We don't know his height, his clothing, or anything. Hell, based on what we've been told, they should bring in Ozzy Osbourne!

    please contact your local police department. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: This is a local case. It would naturally involve contacting the local police department. Because... it's their case.

    Jeff and his family had just moved into a new neighborhood. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: And without further ado--or any warning whatsoever--the flashback.

    MR WIDEMOUTH: I am suing this story for whiplash. You two are my witnesses.

    His dad had gotten a promotion at work, and they thought it 
    would be best to live in one of those "fancy" neighborhoods. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: With their "fancy" streets! And "fancy" houses with roofs on them!

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Not like the good old slum they used to dwell in. You know where you stand in a hellhole!

    Jeff and his brother Liu couldn't complain though. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: So... they named one son 'Jeff' and the other... 'Liu'.

    SLENDERMAN: Maybe... they're Asian-Americans? Or... a mixed couple? Or... something?

    BLOODY MARY Ahh, damn us. We're thinking about things again.

    A new, better house. What was not to love? 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Really! They weren't resentful! Not in the least!

    As they were getting unpacked, one of their neighbors came by. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Why it's that kooky Kramer, appearing to the applause of the crowd...

    "Hello," she said, "I'm Barbara; I live across the street 
    from you. Well, I just wanted to introduce my self and to 
    introduce my son." She turns around and calls her son over. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: This woman screams Avon lady.

    BLOODY MARY: Tenses. Keep your tenses straight...

    "Billy, these are our new neighbors." Billy said hi and ran 
    back to play in his yard. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Billy is already my favorite character. Because he clearly doesn't want to be here.

    "Well," said Jeff's mom, "I'm Margaret, and this is my 
    husband Peter, and my two sons, Jeff and Liu." 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Okay--second-generation Asian-Americans who are reconnecting with their culture after their parents Americanized them, thus resulting in a third generation with a few old country names popping up...

    BLOODY MARY: We are desperately trying to make this make sense, aren't we?

    They each introduced themselves, and then Barbara invited 
    them to her son's birthday. Jeff and his brother were 
    about to object, when their mother said that they would 
    love to. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "And it's bunny rabbit-themed, you say? How darling! They'll love that too!"

    When Jeff and his family are done packing, Jeff went up to 
    his mom.
    

    (Bloody Mary's eyes twitch.)

    BLOODY MARY: Tenses. Keep your tenses straight.

    "Mom, why would you invite us to some kid's party? If you 
    haven't noticed, I'm not some dumb kid." 
    

    SLENDERMAN: (whining) "I'm like--supermature!"

    "Jeff," said his mother, "We just moved here; we should 
    show that we want to spend time with our neighbors. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Nooooo! We should seal ourselves in our house and live as hermits! Mother, why are you persecuting me with your hate crimes?"

    Now, we're going to that party, and that's final." Jeff 
    started to talk, but stopped himself, knowing that he 
    couldn't do anything. Whenever his mom said something, 
    it was final. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: (mock-sobbing) And that... that is totally unfair, because Jeff--Jeff wasn't a baby, man!

    He walked up to his room and plopped down on his bed. He 
    sat there looking at his ceiling when suddenly, he got a 
    weird feeling. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: A weird... tingling feeling... in a certain area... for Jeff was becoming a...

    BLOODY MARY: He is just handing you material, isn't he?

    SLENDERMAN: I'm almost embarrassed by how easy it is. Almost.

    Not so much a pain, but... a weird feeling. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Someone has to tell Jeff about puberty...

    SLENDERMAN: See? See? It's hard to avoid it, isn't it?

    He dismissed it as just some random feeling. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "This lingerie catalogue is giving me... strange urges..."

    He heard his mother call him down to get his stuff, and he 
    walked down to get it. 
    

    (The trio sit there for a while, in awkward silence.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Does... anybody want to touch that one...?

    BLOODY MARY: No, we're good.

    SLENDERMAN: Oh, I'll give it a shot. (beat) Paging, Dr. Freud. Dr. Freud to the lounge. Paging Dr. Freud...


    The next day, Jeff walked down stairs to get breakfast 
    and got ready for school. As he sat there, eating his 
    breakfast, he once again got that feeling. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: (singing) Jeff is waking up in the morning--Jeff is feeling so bad--Jeff is getting so sick of having sleepless nights, he needs to see his dad...

    BLOODY MARY: Pictures of Lily would make his life so wonderful...

    This time it was stronger. It gave him a slight tugging 
    pain, but he once again dismissed it. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Back off hormones! Back off!

    As he and Liu finished breakfast, they walked down to 
    the bus stop. They sat there waiting for the bus, and 
    then, all of a sudden, some kid on a skateboard jumped 
    over them, only inches above their laps. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Is this bugging you? I'm not touching you..."

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Skate scum really are the worst, aren't they?

    They both jumped back in surprise. "Hey, what the hell?" 
    

    BLOODY MARY: They... jumped back. From sitting down.

    The kid landed and turned back to them. He kicked his 
    skate board up and caught it with his hands. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Hu-huh, Bro! Totally radical!"

    The kid seems to be about twelve; one year younger than Jeff. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: So our fearsome killer needs to talk to his mommy when he needs a ride.

    SLENDERMAN: But hey--he's a TEENAGER! Not a little kid!

    He wears a Aeropostale shirt and ripped blue jeans.
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ahh, the youth. So convinced that their set of goofy fads are going to last forever...

    (Bloody Mary massages her temples.)

    BLOODY MARY: Tenses. Mind your TENSES.

    "Well, well, well. It looks like we got some new meat." 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Welcome to the Big House, handsome. I'll be claiming that pretty ass of yours..."

    BLOODY MARY: Okay, Slendy, we get it. The disturbing subtext is... getting pretty damn disturbing...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: When the scariest things in your story are the things you don't even realize you're writing--it's a bad sign.

    Suddenly, two other kids appeared. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Literally. They can apparently teleport.

    SLENDERMAN: Hey! That's my deal! (beat) I think...

    One was super skinny and the other was huge. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Ahhh, the prose stylings of a young William Makepeace Thackeray...

    "Well, since you're new here, I'd like to introduce ourselves, 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Well, that's friendly of him... doing all the exposition for them...

    over there is Keith." Jeff and Liu looked over to the 
    skinny kid. He had a dopey face that you would expect 
    a sidekick to have. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Poor kid. He really had his destiny all mapped out for him, didn't he?

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, I don't know. He seems to have fallen naturally into a profession he's good at...

    "And he's Troy." They looked over at the fat kid. Talk 
    about a tub of lard. This kid looked like he hadn't 
    exercised since he was crawling. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Hey! I'm just big-boned!"

    BLOODY MARY: Why do I get the disturbing impression that the author is basing these characters on people he knows? And doesn't like?

    "And I," said the first kid, "am Randy. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "I am the laughing leader of this merry band."

    Now, for all the kids in this neighborhood there is a 
    small price for bus fare, if you catch my drift." 
    

    BLOODY MARY: A junior member of the Club for Legitimate Businessmen?

    SLENDERMAN: I have to say Randy is impressing me more than our supposed protagonist. Only twelve, and he's already running a full-fledged extortion racket.

    Liu stood up, ready to punch the lights out of the kid's 
    eyes when one of his friends pulled a knife on him. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, great. Their neighborhood's been invaded by the freakin' cast of an off-Broadway production of West Side Story.

    "Tsk, tsk, tsk, I had hoped you would be more cooperative, 
    but it seems we must do this the hard way." 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "You disappoint me Liuchenzio. I thought you would understand the rules of la Cosa Nostra..."

    The kid walked up to Liu and took his wallet out of his pocket. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: So the hard way is... pretty damn easy, when you get down to it...

    SLENDERMAN: Well, you know, it's not like Liu is actually going to fight back... just... consider it...

    BLOODY MARY: (Liu) "I am broadcasting my disapproval of your actions at you! With MY MIND!"

    Jeff got that feeling again. Now, it was truly strong; a 
    burning sensation. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: The doctor can clear that one right up these days with a simple series of injections.

    He stood up, but Liu gestured him to sit down. Jeff ignored 
    him and walked up to the kid. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: This would be more impressive if the players involved weren't all in the four feet range.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Heightist! Short people are people too!

    "Listen here you little punk, give back my bro's wallet or else." 
    

    BLOODY MARY: And... any menace leaks out with the "bro"...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "If you don't, I will totally scream like a little girl!"

    Randy put the wallet in his pocket and pulled out his own knife. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: I bet he calls it 'Vera'.

    "Oh? And what will you do?" 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Please, answer my query, and do so in a succinct and timely fashion."

    Just as he finished the sentence, Jeff popped the kid in the nose. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Well, that's an answer. Not a bright answer, but an answer.

    As Randy reached for his face, 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: So... wait, did he just forget he has a knife? I mean... the whole point of having a knife in this situation is to use the knife if someone does something like this. Then the poor bastard who punched you starts wishing HE had a knife...

    BLOODY MARY: And what about his buddies? Are they just... standing around like idiots?

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yes! At least one of whom ALSO has a knife. This really should not be working for Jeff!

    Jeff grabbed the kid's wrist and broke it. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: .... So... Jeff has super strength. Good to know.

    BLOODY MARY: Or Randy has brittle bones. It's anybody's guess.

    Randy screamed and Jeff grabbed the knife from his hand. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Randy has apparently been terrorizing the neighborhood while possessing the grip of a five year-old with palsy...

    BLOODY MARY: Hey, he just got his wrist broke. That does throw your concentration.

    Troy and Keith rushed Jeff, but Jeff was too quick. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: He floats like a butterfly, and stings like a bee!

    He threw Randy to the ground. Keith lashed out at him, but 
    Jeff ducked and stabbed him in the arm. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: So it's Keith with the knife. Could have clarified that earlier.

    Keith dropped his knife and fell to the ground screaming. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "I'm in PAIN! I'm hysterical and I'm in PAIN!!"

    Troy rushed him too, but Jeff didn't even need the knife. He 
    just punched Troy straight in the stomach and Troy went down. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Gasp! You found out my secret Achilles Heel! A punch to the gut!"

    BLOODY MARY: You know what this fight scene needs? Batman-style sound effect cards! Just imagine that last bit with a big BAM! flashing on the screen.

    As he fell, he puked all over. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Or... or we could have this. Vomit. Yep. That sure adds a lot.

    Liu could do nothing but look in amazement at Jeff. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Because Jeff... Jeff was so superawesome and cool.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting a 'the author lost a lot of lunch money' vibe here.

    "Jeff how'd you?" that was all he said. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Wait--I thought he could nothing but look in amazement!

    BLOODY MARY: "Jeff are you back on steroids?"

    They saw the bus coming and knew they'd be blamed for the whole 
    thing. So they started running as fast as they could. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, brilliant plan, boys. (He starts to clap sarcastically.)

    As they ran, they looked back and saw the bus driver rushing 
    over to Randy and the others. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Why, Randy--Keith--Troy! You sweet boys! Whatever will our Catholic boys' choir do without you?"

    As Jeff and Liu made it to school, they didn't dare tell what 
    happened. All they did was sit and listen.
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Thus making it the first time they ever acted appropriately in school.

    Liu just thought of that as his brother beating up a few kids, 
    

    BLOODY MARY: With limb breakage. And stabbing.

    but Jeff knew it was more. It was something, scary. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: We need someone here to kill a rogue comma.

    As he got that feeling he felt how powerful it was, the urge 
    to just, hurt someone. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: And he can stay to get that one.

    SLENDERMAN: Perhaps the author envisions a young Christopher Walken in the role of Jeff, and is trying to create the prose equivalent to his... unique speech patterns.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: That'd... actually be interesting to watch.

    BLOODY MARY: Yes! He could give a monologue about wanting to swerve into the other lane while driving!

    He didn't like how it sounded, but he couldn't help feeling 
    happy. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Let me play devil's advocate here. Jeff, you just beat up a bunch of young psychopaths who tried to mug you and your brother. Of course you're feeling pumped. That's the equivalent of drinking a lot of coffee while listening to 'Eye of the Tiger'.

    He felt that strange feeling go away, and stay away for the 
    entire day of school. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "So violence is a good substitute for sex!"

    Even as he walked home due to the whole thing near the 
    bus stop, and how now he probably wouldn't be taking the 
    bus anymore, he felt happy. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Well--duh. Nobody wants to take the high school bus if they can help it. It's a nightmarish Darwinian experience that pits the strong against the weak, and the many against the few. Being able to walk home is a good thing.

    When he got home his parents asked him how his day was, and 
    he said, in a somewhat ominous voice, "It was a wonderful 
    day." 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: (basso profundo) "I skipped merrily through the fields, and gathered wild flowers."

    Next morning, he heard a knock at his front door. He 
    walked down to find two police officers at the door, 
    his mother looking back at him with an angry look. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Should we report that one to the Department of Redundancy Dept.?

    BLOODY MARY: Naaah, let's let it fly.

    "Jeff, these officers tell me that you attacked three kids. 
    That it wasn't regular fighting, and that they were stabbed. 
    Stabbed, son!" 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "I mean--I could take blackjacked, or bludgeoned, but--STABBED!"

    Jeff's gaze fell to the floor, showing his mother that it was true. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, that shows no such thing. It shows... discomfort. Which an accusation of stabbing others should produce in anyone who isn't a sociopath.

    "Mom, they were the ones who pulled the knives on me and 
    Liu." 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "That made it all right for me to thrash them within an inch of their lives, until they begged me for mercy!"

    "Son," said one of the cops," We found three kids, two 
    stabbed, one having a bruise on his stomach, 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: No, ONE was stabbed. The count should be ONE stabbed, one with a broken wrist, and one with a bruised stomach.

    and we have witnesses proving that you fled the scene. Now, 
    what does that tell us?" 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Isn't that for the courts to decide?

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Definitely better than these jokers. They don't even have the facts right!

    Jeff knew it was no use. He could say him and Liu had been 
    attacked, but then there was no proof it was not them who 
    attacked first. They couldn't say that they weren't fleeing, 
    because truth be told they were. So Jeff couldn't defend 
    himself or Liu. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: That wasn't logic. It wasn't real logic. It was insane troll logic...

    SLENDERMAN: My hair is a bird! Your argument is invalid!

    "Son, call down your brother." Jeff couldn't do it, since 
    it was him who beat up all the kids. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: This woman has the parenting instincts of a Norwegian rat.

    "Sir, it...it was me. I was the one who beat up the kids. 
    Liu tried to hold me back, but he couldn't stop me." 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "I was an unstoppable juggernaut of pure rage!"

    The cop looked at his partner and they both nod. 
    

    (Bloody Mary clenches her fist.)

    BLOODY MARY: Tenses. Watch your tenses.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Man, in the same sentence. That must be like nails across the chalkboard for...

    (She glares at him.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Never mind.

    "Well kid, looks like a year in Juvy..." 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Man, I'm so glad we don't have to worry about that judicial system anymore. Saves so much paperwork!"

    "Wait!" says Liu. They all looked up to see him holding 
    a knife. The officers pulled their guns and locked them 
    on Liu. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "We have a... twelve year old--repeat a twelve year old--with a knife. Preparing to use lethal force."

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: I'm starting to understand why Jeff's getting away with all his killing in the future.

    SLENDERMAN: Yeah, I'm quickly losing my respect for the local law enforcement in this story.

    "It was me, I beat up those little punks. Have the marks 
    to prove it." He lifted up his sleeves to reveal cuts 
    and bruises, as if he was in a struggle. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Wha...? Where did those come from?

    BLOODY MARY: Apparently, Liu's a cutter.

    SLENDERMAN: (shakes head) The pressures of Asian-American youth.

    "Son, just put the knife down," said the officer. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "Don't make me kill you, LIUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!"

    SLENDERMAN: You were just waiting for a chance to use that one, weren't you?

    BLOODY MARY: (nodding) I was.

    Liu held up the knife and dropped it to the ground. He 
    put his hands up and walked over to the cops.
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah, and I'm betting these guys are keeping their guns trained on the menacing preteen.

    "No Liu, it was me! I did it!" Jeff had tears running 
    down his face. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Manly tears! Because Jeff is supertough.

    BLOODY MARY: This is turning into a bad Yakuza movie.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "ANNNNIKIIII!"

    "Huh, poor bro. Trying to take the blame for what I did.  
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Poor lad. His brain gets frenzied in the summer heat."

    Well, take me away."
    
    The police led Liu out to the patrol car. 
    
    "Liu, tell them it was me! Tell them! I was the one who 
    beat up those kids!" 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "And I stole the bicycle!"

    Jeff's mother put her hands on his shoulders. 
    
    "Jeff please, you don't have to lie. We know it's Liu, 
    you can stop." 
    

    SLENDERMAN: ...Wow. Worst mother in the world.

    Jeff watched helplessly as the cop car speeds off with 
    Liu inside. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: TENSES! Get your damned tenses straight! DAMN YOU!!

    A few minutes later Jeff's dad pulled into the driveway, 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Hey, honey, I just saw the darnedest thing. A cop car drove by, with a kid who looked just like... hey, where's Liu?"

    seeing Jeff's face and knowing something was wrong. 
    
    "Son, son what is it?" 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Jeff, have you been listening to 80s hair bands again?"

    Jeff couldn't answer. His vocal cords were strained from crying. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Not that he's a sissy. He's just sad an' stuff.

    SLENDERMAN: The stench of emo hangs heavy over this story.

    BLOODY MARY: What does that smell like? Really?

    SLENDERMAN: Think of a mixture of cheap liquor and bad hair products, and you've pretty much got it.

    Instead, Jeff's mother walked his father inside to break the bad 
    news to him 
    

    BLOODY MARY: "I can't help but think that I should have done something..."

    as Jeff wept in the driveway.
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "The blacktop makes me sad."

    After an hour or so Jeff walked back in to the house, seeing 
    that his parents were both shocked, sad, and disappointed. 
    

    (Bloody Mary slaps her hand to her forehead.)

    BLOODY MARY: And I am both appalled, horrified and nauseated at that misuse of "both"...

    He couldn't look at them. 
    

    SLENDERMAN: "Their outfits... so tacky!"

    He couldn't see how they thought of Liu when it was his fault. 
    

    BLOODY MARY: Whut?

    He just went to sleep, 
    

    SLENDERMAN: Go to SLEEEEEEEEP!

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Hey... wait a minute... wasn't this supposed to be... morning?

    BLOODY MARY: Huh. You're right.

    ALL THREE: "Let's do the Time Warp AGAAIIIN!"

    trying to get the whole thing off his mind. 
    

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: That's not going to be hard.

    BLOODY MARY: Yeah, kind of like letting something heavy tumble off a blade of grass...

    SLENDERMAN: Break time guys.

    BLOODY MARY: Thank goodness. One more tense shift, and I would have really lost it.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Oh, something tells me you'll get your chance, Mary...

    (The trio file out of the theatre. We then pull back through the Shadow Theatre, until we reach the outside. Mr. Widemouth stands there, doing his best to look nonchalant as Bloody Mary walks near him.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Hey, Mary.

    BLOODY MARY: Hey, Widemouth...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: So... I'd say we can now definitely agree that Jeff's strange feeling has... a little something extra, wouldn't you?

    (Bloody Mary thinks it over.)

    BLOODY MARY: Well, yeah, given that Jeff can apparently shatter a wrist under its influence I'd say that's a foregone conclusion...

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: Yeah... it's something beyond a feeling... further than a feeling...

    (Bloody Mary makes a tired nod.)

    BLOODY MARY: Yeah, it's more than a feeling...

    (Mr. Widemouth turns around, suddenly.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: You heard her, Slendy--HIT IT!

    (Slenderman emerges from the shadows with a guitar in his hands, another guitar held in a pair of tentacles, a bass held in ANOTHER pair of tentacles, a pair of drumsticks in yet ANOTHER, and a drum set being awkwardly dragged by a final set of tentacles. After a quick setup he begins to play his collection of instruments. We CUT back to Mr. Widemouth, who is now holding a microphone, and wearing a large wig on his head, the hair done in a very late 70s mullet with sideburns. Widemouth begins to rather awkwardly dance along with Slenderman's playing, something his stubby little legs don't help. We move in for a CLOSE-UP, taken at rather awkward angle, of Widemouth singing emotively.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: (singing off-key) "I looked out this morning, and the sun was gone--Turned on some music to start my day--I lost myself in a familiar song--I closed my eyes and I slipped away..."

    (Cut to a WIDE SHOT of Slenderman grooving out as he plays, complete with rhythmic head bangs. Then--another cut to him playing from another angle. And then several cuts of different angles in rapid succession. And then--back to Mr. Widemouth.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "It's more than a fEELING!"

    (Another cut of Slendy, this time shot upside down.)

    SLENDERMAN: (with, impossibly enough, a reverb) "More than a feeling!"

    (And back to Widemouth whose head-banging has resulted in his wig covering his eyes, forcing him to adjust it while signing.)

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "When I HEAR that old SONG they used to plAY!"

    SLENDERMAN: "More than a feeling!"

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "I begin dREAMING...!

    SLENDERMAN: "More than a feeling!"

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "Till I see MariANNE walk awAY..."

    (We cut to Bloody Mary, who rolls her eyes, and glances at the readers.)

    BLOODY MARY: You might want to head out, folks. This could take a while.

    MR. WIDEMOUTH: "I see my MariANNE walking awAAAAAY..." (His voice cracks and he begins to cough as we FADE OUT.)


    --END PART 1---

    Credits: Mr. Widemouth is the creation of perfectcircle35. "More Than a Feeling" is the creation of Tom Scholz and Boston. Jeff the Killer is the creation of... some nameless and unknown soul dwelling in the Interwebs...

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