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Mario Kart: Race to hell.


  • Alright, this is a story that was a pretty scary experience for me. Yes, it is a gaming pasta. Don’t get me wrong, this is real as a punch to the face.  Just thought, hell, might as well share my story, you know? So, you are probably wondering, what can possibly be wrong with mother f*cking Mario kart. Well I will tell you what’s wrong. Here goes…



    So, I owned a 64 for my whole childhood, loved it. Ocarina of Time, Diddy Kong racing, and a few others. I played Mario kart 64 frequently too, it was pretty sweet, my favorite was always battle mode, but my sister would never want to do battle so I was stuck playing against myself with two controllers.     (forever alone) Anyway, as well as the others, this game meant quite a bit to me. Now I didn’t get into the future Mario karts due to my lack of Nintendo consoles, but finally in 2007, I got a Wii. With it, I got Mario Party 8 and Mario Kart Wii. Played it, loved it, my favorite characters were Yoshi and Luigi. Eventually I stopped playing the Wii because of my good friend, the Xbox 360. After a while I started playing the wii again. I got a few more games too like Skyward Sword and Poképark. After a while I came across my Mario kart wii disk, but unfortunately, it was dusty and scratched up. It was a shame, but just for the fact that I loved the game, and I had a few bucks in hand, I bought a new one.



    When I went to the game store, the clerk said they didn’t have it, but I could look in the sale bins. I searched for half an hour until I finally found a copy. I ran over to the desk to pay for it, just to see another clerk there. “Hi, are you ready? What game are you getting today ….  Mario Kart… ….oh….um….good choice” The man’s surprised face was a little strange, but not only that, but for the rest of the time, he didn’t talk. All he did was take my money and give me the game and a receipt. He even started sweating as he handed me the game. Watching the sweat pour down his arm was disgusting, so I quickly snatched the partially wet disk and made my way out.



    While walking back home, I thought it over. The man’s face was creepy as hell. As I walked, I took the disk out of its case. But there was one little thing that bugged me; on the disk, everything was normal, but one thing was weird. On the disk there is supposed to be the logo and Mario and Luigi sitting side by side. It was average except for the fact that luigi was missing from the photo. And not scratched out, it was like it was never printed on the disk. I knew the disk art damn well but just to make sure, I looked it up. I was right. There was Mario and luigi playing and smiling next to each other. I looked back on my disk, and no luigi. Also when I looked back at my laptop, I saw Mario smiling, like the jolly plumber he is supposed to be, but his expression on mine was strange. It wasn’t sad, it wasn’t happy, it wasn’t angry. It just looked surprised. His eyes even seemed to bulge out of his head like those goofy cartoons. It didn’t look right, but I thought it could have been a special edition of something. But then again, why would a special edition disk look like that? I knew people didn’t really like the character luigi but damn, why would they just remove him from the disk. I looked on the back of it to see that the disk was in perfect condition. That was pretty damn good for $10.



    I loaded it up into the good old wii, and pressed start to load up the game. The screen turned pitch black and a few seconds later, it said “Disk could not be read”. This was weird considering its condition. When I was about to turn off the wii, it skipped back to the home menu, showing that the disk was read. I clicked on it and saw something weird, all of the characters were racing, but Luigi was asleep in his car, and so was Yoshi. There have been gags with luigi falling asleep like in Bowser’s inside story, but Yoshi? It would be more convincing if there were z’s above their heads or something. But they just sat there, their heads facing down on the steering wheels as others passed by over and over. I clicked start just to see a loading screen. But it was weird, it showed Yoshi and Luigi sleeping again, but this time, Peach was there sleeping too. Their faces were on the ground, and as soon as it stopped loading, you hear Mario say “Lets-a-go” like he usually does, but his voice was deeper. As I picked a game mode, I could hear Mario laugh the whole entire time, teasingly.



     This is where it started getting to me. Most pastas say that they continued to play due to their curiosity, but I hurried and got my camera. I set it on the tripod ready to go, and pressed grand prix. The character selection screen was default, but was missing a few players. There was Mario, Bowser, Wario, and Daisy.



    Yoshi, Luigi, and Peach were on the screen too, but there were x’s on them. I knew they were on the default roster, so that couldn’t mean you had to unlock them. I tried clicking on the three.  I didn’t know what to do, so I picked Mario. Again, his “lets-a-go” was distorted, but now it was even worse. His voice sounds like that of a real person instead of the goofy cartoony voice he has had ever since Super Mario 64. The race started, and the level was simply called “bridge”. It was what the title said, a bridge. It looked like it was never-ending from the starting point but hell that was all of ours’ first impressions of rainbow road on the 64. I then noticed that the only racers were the three sleeping characters; Luigi, Yoshi, and Peach. They were awake and normal this time, they even had big grins on their faces. The music was a little strange it was like the song from Jaws, but had a retro 8-bit touch. After driving for a little while a screen popped up saying. “Secret Character. You better run.” And right behind me, a Mario cpu rolled up in his kart with a mean look on his face. The music played louder as he got closer, it was like a horror movie cliché. Right when he got close enough to me, the game shut off.



     As the wimp I am, I was a little freaked out, but I figured the video I was recording might get some attention on the internet. So for the sake of the video game community, I turned the Wii back on and clicked on the game, this time it was blank. I pressed start and it loaded until a screen popped up with music playing in the background. It was Mario laughing and teasing, and I swore I heard him say “fun is infinite”. It turned to a course that looked an awful like bowser’s castle in the 64 version, but was even creepier. At this point, I couldn’t think straight. I don’t even remember half of it. But I will tell what I can.



    The race started on the course which was apparently called “lost ones” or something like that. Mario was chasing my character who was my Mii this time. (If you don’t know, a Mii is basically your avatar on wii and 3ds.) I started driving, but saw no one but Mario. Some stuff happened, but I don’t remember very well, I just remember him saying things. A lot I couldn’t make out but here is what I was able to understand and remember. “Have you played my new game? It is called ‘Polybius’ “, and “This might have been owned by my old friend Ben”. Ok, someone was messing with me when I got this game. It was obviously comments about gaming legends. The last thing I could remember was a screen popping up with words and Mario laughing in the background. I wrote down the words at the time and I typed them for you at the end of this document. The words eventually faded and it showed Luigi, Yoshi, and Peach dead. All I remember from that was Luigi’s hat was drenched in red, and his L was crossed out. Peach’s dress was all ripped up and her pointy crown was stuck in her head. And Yoshi was cut in pieces.





    I finally unplugged the wii and went to get the camera, but it wasn’t where I put it, I looked all over and it wasn’t there. But the strangest part, was that I was home alone. The video was gone. I went through all that for nothing.





    I took the game back to the store just to see that it was closed, the sign said; “Closed for maintenance. Under police inspection.” It is still closed to this day but I haven’t said the worst part. I sat down on the sidewalk to think this over. I heard a voice underneath me; it was inside one of those grates that you accidentally drop something in all the time. I thought it was all in my head, but I was pretty sure it sounded like Mario. But at the time, I assumed my mind was just playing tricks on me. I looked down and I saw the strangest thing; a pile of Mario Kart Wii games. Scared and angry at the same time, I threw the game in with the others and dropped one of my brother’s matches to burn it all. Probably wasn’t the best idea because of the sign “under police inspection”, but I still believe it had to be done. Anyway, here is the part you have either skipped to or you have been waiting for; these god damn words from video game hell. Good luck surviving in your nightmares.



    “I love this game. My brother, my wife, and my pet. All added to my collection. This was fun. Yoshi will be my dinner tonight….so delicious. Luigi I tortured and drenched his clothes in blood to make new clothes for me. With peach…that bitch…I had the most fun with….she suffered the most….turn off the game, but I will still find you.”



    It faded to another page which had a poem:



    I have my collection of souls. My wife, my brother, and all the toads. The mushroom kingdom is all burnt down, I am possessed from this demon clown. The color of the ground is all red, because those f*ckers are doornail dead.



    This game is horrible, if you see a Mario Kart Wii game with Luigi missing, DON’T PLAY IT AND BURN IT LIKE I DID. But a part of me tells me I’m too late. Every night I hear Mario taunting me and singing the poem. Goodbye viewers.

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    • Well. There are a lot of grammatical issues (like proper nouns not being capitalized, ect.) There's a part where I would just omit "Mii." You don't need to censor words here, we do allow cursing. The only thing that I found quite interesting was the 9th paragraph, it actually put chills down my neck (as it always does whenever I am on this site). Unplugging it the system is, sort of, a cliché. Omit that. Change up the last paragraph. It just drains out all of the energy from the article, as it makes an administrator, like me, go and delete it right off the bat. Either omit it, or change it.

      Take a look over this. It's decent, towards my opinion. But it needs to be spruced up, direly. Once a second revision is made, feel free to make another thread. Feel free to look in the site rules on how to write articles, and stuff.

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    • thanks. you think I have a shot at making it good? Today I started my journey to my writing carreer by publishing this, at least you think it's decent.

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    • It's pretty cliche and you need to split up the paragraphs where you change topic. Also, there are a lot of run-on sentences and fragments. Combine some, split others.

      Also, get rid of the entire first paragraph. We already know we're reading a story. No need to tell the reader that they're reading something.

      The story itself is unrealistic. The store clerk sweating from selling a game - realistically they don't ask questions. They don't know anything about their games except what they are, and game stores rarely have a bin just for games that are old. Most get rid of the old games by selling them at a discount.

      Also, why is Mario making comments on gaming legends? How would a computer know that? What's with all the games? We could use some explanation. Like what Mario apparently is? A demon? A ghost? Ben?

      The ending warning is also pretty cliche.

      Also, get rid of the extra spacing.

      To be honest, it's excessively cliche. My personal opinion is you'd probably be better off writing a new story. But if you can improve this one, then do so.

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    • I have another one

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    • may i give a link?

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    • BTW this was written by me, I am SuperKeroro88. Just wanted to clear tht up.

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    • 40.77.167.98
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