I've always been a huge fan of the Stargate Franchise. Roland Emmerich's 1994 movie was a classic, and when I heard there was going to be a TV series, I could barely contain my excitement. At first I was disappointed that they changed some of the things from the movie, but I soon grew to love the TV series and its world and characters even more than I had ever loved the movie.

After going strong for many seasons, there came the spinoff Atlantis. It was okay, but IMO nothing special compared to SG-1. Then came Universe. It was... not very good. There were a few direct-to-DVD movies, which also failed to impress. But still I held out hope that the franchise would be revived in the future.

Unfortunately, I had forgot to heed the old aphorism that you should always be careful what you wish for, as you just might get it.

I come to warn you all, of the most horrible fate you could ever experience, which destroyed not only my beloved franchise, but all of humanity.

In 2018, Stargate SG-1 was greenlit for 4 more seasons. Naturally, I was ecstatic. But after the first few episodes aired, it soon became apparent that something was very, very wrong.

Following are episode summaries for the revival series. If you have any fond memories about SG-1, the Stargate franchise, science fiction, or television in general, I urge you not to read further.

S11E1: "The Return"

This one wasn't actually all that bad. The cast was back together, the Goa'uld had revived and begun threatening the galaxy again, and we got several nice action scenes. The special effects weren't up to par though, actually looking worse than they had towards the end of the 10th season.

S11E2: "Native"

Good news - the special effects were back on track. Bad news - this episode featured a primitive civilization that was pretty much one huge offensive racial stereotype. Remember Star Trek TNG's 'Code of Honor'? Think that, times 10. Still, this was nothing compared to what came later...

S11E3: "Milton"

We first learn of Daniel Jackson's love of the cartoon 'Spongebob Squarepants'. We are also introduced to a new character, the eponymous Milton, a shy nerd whose mannerisms were directly lifted from those of Milton Waddams in 'Office Space'. The primary conflict of the episode revolves around Milton's conflicted feelings on the new Star Wars movies - he enjoys them, but is also very upset that the old Expanded Universe has been decanonized. In the end, he saves the SGC from a Goa'uld infiltrator by whacking his host over the head with a toy lightsaber.

S11E4: "Gentrification"

A fleet of Gadmeer ships attempts to terraform the solar system into a luxury resort and day spa for reptilian aliens. Daniel Jackson enters into a short-lived romance with one of the Gadmeer. The team eventually stops them.

S11E5: "Attack on Weeaboo"

Carter becomes addicted to anime, manga, and Japanese culture in general, dying her hair black and trying to act like her favorite anime character, Mikasa Ackerman from 'Attack on Titan'. This causes several mishaps and setbacks over the course of SG-1's missions. Just as she is about to have plastic surgery to make her eyes look Asian, Jack finally talks her out of it and she returns to normal.

S11E6: "Sheldon meets Milton"

A crossover with 'The Big Bang Theory'. The less said about this one, the better, although I will note that Daniel Jackson enters into a short-lived romance with Penny.

S11E7: "Who You Gonna Call?"

The SGC is infiltrated by 'ethereal lifeforms', who have properties suspiciously similar to ghosts as portrayed in 'Ghostbusters' (intangible, flying, translucent, shapeshifting, leaving trails of slime). With the help of the Tok'Ra, Carter creates four modified TER weapons designed to trap the ethereal lifeforms. Said weapons require a larger power source though, so the team has to wear backpacks the weapons are hooked up to. After tracking the ethereal lifeforms to the tallest building in a nearby city, it is revealed that they are attempting to open an interdimensional portal in order to release their godlike leader on Earth. The team's weapons are ineffective against the ethereal lifeforms' leader, but the portal is closed and all of the lifeforms banished when the team decides to cross the streams (or rather reverse the polarity).

S11E8: "Growing up Jaffa"

Due to the interaction of his alien biology with an Ancient device, Teal'c becomes pregnant with a clone of himself. After graphically giving birth through his stomach pouch, the team has to babysit the rapidly-growing clone (who Daniel Jackson enters into a short-lived romance with). The clone eventually decides to go to high school alongside Jack's clone.

S11E9: "What a D'oh-fus!"

After suffering a head injury on a mission, Jack O'Neill begins acting like one of his favorite cartoon characters. Highlights include saying said character's catchphrase no fewer than 31 times throughout the episode, nearly causing the SGC's nuclear reactor to meltdown after spilling coffee on the control panel, and replacing the mission-critical contents of a Teltak cargo ship with donuts and beer. After the team has tried everything to cure him but it seems hopeless, it's revealed that Jack was just goofing around the whole time, and they all share a good laugh.

S11E10: "Blast from the Past"

The team is sent back in time via unexplained methods, and Teal'c gets into a fight with and defeats Attila the Hun in a very exciting action sequence (probably the best scene out of any of these episodes, even if it makes no sense). Upon returning to the present, the team finds that the Nazis have won WWII, and are now working with the Goa'uld to subjugate the Earth. Desperately attempting to return to the past and fix whatever they changed, the team fails and is about to be executed. It is then revealed that the whole episode was a dream by Jack after particularly bad hangover.

S11E11: "To Infinity and Beyond"

This episode attempts to canonize the animated series 'Stargate Infinity'. The SG-1 team meets the Infinity team and characters, however it is done in the style of 'Who Framed Roger Rabbit', with live-action characters alongside animated ones. This difference is never commented on. Daniel Jackson enters into a short-lived romance with the alien hybrid Ec'co.

S11E12: "Ori'nt you glad I didn't say banana?"

The Ori are back (somehow) and are set to overrun the Milky Way. Just when all hope seems lost, our heroes challenge the Ori to a 'Battle of the Bands' competition. To everyone's surprise, they accept.

S12E1: "Pretty Fly for an Ori"

The Ori start off strong with their own rendition of a song by 'The Offspring'. However, the Tau'ri counter with a cover of a Jim Croce song, and the Salish judges declare them the winners. Admitting defeat, the Ori leave the Milky Way, never to return.

S12E2: "Tiresias"

The team is exposed to an alien device that switches their genders. Before they return to normal at the end of the episode, there are a lot of jokes that many Tumblr users would consider to be sexist and transphobic. Danielle Jackson also enters into a short-lived romance with Major Samuel Carter.

S12E3: "Crustalien"

Milton's pet hermit crab is possessed by a Goa'uld. Daniel Jackson enters into a short-lived romance with the crab.

S12E4: "We Need to Build a Wall"

Various world leaders (aware of the existence of the Stargate program) debate the prospect of resettling alien (see what they did there?) refugees on Earth, fleeing from Goa'uld attacks. Eventually, a community of refugees is allowed to move in on a trial basis in the American midwest. However, one of them turns out to be a Goa'uld agent, and the team barely stops him before he detonates a Naquadah bomb. In the end, it is decided to resettle all of the refugees on other planets, even if they wouldn't be as safe as they would be on Earth.

S12E5: "Eating In"

An 'all-powerful alien overlord' (who looks, talks, and acts like a whiny teenager) arrives through the Stargate and starts threatening the team. They are forced to cater to his every whim in order to appease him (which includes Carter dressing in sexy lingerie and giving him a lapdance). Finally, the team figures out that he doesn't actually have the power to blow up the solar system, and they send him back to his parents to be disciplined. Before the episode ends, Carter wears the sexy lingerie again, for no apparent reason other than fanservice.

S12E6: "Wraith you!"

Picking up on the unresolved plot thread from Stargate Atlantis, the Wraith are finally defeated due to a plan using an empty can of Hawaiian punch, a piece of string, and an unidentified white fizzy substance. Jack O'Neill emphatically denies any connection to Macgyver throughout the episode.

S12E7: "Milton Universe"

While experimenting with a long-range transmitter system, Milton manages to contact the crew of the Destiny from 'Stargate Universe'. Immediately, the Destiny and many of its alien pursuers are warped to Earth orbit by means unknown. Daniel Jackson enters into a short-lived romance with Eli Wallace, whose mind is still trapped in the Destiny's computer system. In the end, the Destiny is warped back across the universe and nothing is accomplished.

S12E8: "Close Encounter"

Daniel Jackson, not satisfied with masturbation, attempts to stick his penis into the Stargate. It gets stuck, and somehow the gate remains open past the 38-minute time limit. In the end, Daniel has to completely blow his load to escape.

S12E9: "The Furlings"

The true nature of the mysterious Furlings is revealed - they are humanoids who dress in animal suits and constantly have orgies. Daniel Jackson enters into a short-lived romance with a furling in a horse costume.

S12E10: "The Amazing Milton-Man"

Milton is bitten by a radioactive Iratus bug and develops Wraith-like superpowers. Attempting to become a superhero, he is eventually arrested in Chicago for public indecency. The powers wear off by the end of the episode.

S12E11: "Teal'c Gets Down with his Bad Self"

Discovering that his genetic lineage is shared with many modern African-Americans, Teal'c attempts to become a 'brotha', attempting such hobbies as basketball, gangsta rap, and consuming fried chicken and watermelon, along with many other racial stereotypes.

S12E12: "Krabby Daniel"

Experimenting with the Volsinii Virtual Reality Pods in an attempt to experience his favorite cartoon to the fullest, Daniel Jackson accidentally brings the character of 'Mr. Krabs' into the real world. He immediately begins extorting everyone on the SGC, while Daniel Jackson enters into a short-lived relationship with him.

This episode was so bad that it created a rift in the space-time continuum and destroyed the Earth, but sent me back in time to warn you all.


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